


Fool's Errand

by Kharons_End



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Fairytale Parody, Friendship, Multi, comedy(a really bad one), nerdy boys bonding, non canon crossover between fics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 09:20:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24468610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kharons_End/pseuds/Kharons_End
Summary: Stretch wakes up in a cabin that looks like it came straight out of a fairy tale, and his brother is now the size of an action figure.Only that's not his brother.And he's pretty sure his romance novels at home are out in the open for anyone to see.Shit.(A non-canon crossover between Full Deck and Just a Little Offbeat!)
Relationships: Stretch & Blues, Stretch/Maidens
Comments: 15
Kudos: 65





	Fool's Errand

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sons_of_Sirens](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sons_of_Sirens/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Full Deck](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23227111) by [Sons_of_Sirens](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sons_of_Sirens/pseuds/Sons_of_Sirens). 



> It's 3 am and I have no excuse. We just wanna see our boys meet at least once.

Stretch opened his eyes and stared at the wooden planks in the ceiling and tried to comprehend anything about life right now, seeing as he almost pulled an all-nighter again. The ratted quilt draped over him did a good job of keeping the cold leaking out of the nearby window, and he turned his head to see the small wood stove in the corner, glowing from the flames contained inside.

Wait.

Nononono, this didn't make sense. He was reading through one of his old favorites, and he must have fallen asleep. Yeah, that’s it! He fell asleep and this was a dream, because no way in hell could he have walked into somebody’s pre-monster-human-war cottage and passed out on their lumpy ass bed.

That, and his older brother was now the size of his index phalange, sleeping soundly in a red tunic beside his skull. _Kinda_ the more important detail here.

He sat up and reached into his pockets for his phone. On the off chance that this was _not_ a dream, he wanted evidence that his bro’s regular height won the award for “not the worst it could have been”.

(Or something to tease Sans with, at least, if his collection was ever found. Level the playing field a little, even though he knew his big bro was too cool to blackmail him.)

But instead of his cell, he pulled out a book about the size of his palm: a faded green hardback cover with golden gilded pages. No title. He flipped open the cover to reveal the first page.

####  **To assuage the machine yond pines f'r its limb**  
**retrieveth the three pieces from the broth'r's Grimm**

He turned the page.

##### *GLASS AND METAL AND NOTHING REMAIN. 

Stretch smacked his forehead with his hand and slowly dragged it down his face. _Not the machine again, please not the machine. Literally ANYTHING but another chance at someone or something **worse**_ _coming through_.

“dammit.”

His voice was enough to startle Blue awake. The fellow skeleton took a glance at him, and then sat up with a start.

“WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!”

Stretch scratched the back of his skull, looking down at his billowy cotton shirt. “you mean the digs? i dunno, but they’re comfy.”

Secretly he thought they were fucking incredible. This was _exactly_ what he’d want to wear during a hard day on the high seas while chasing after various forms of booty in the blistering sun. But Sans didn’t have to know that.

His brother gestured wildly at his size. “NO! I MEAN _THIS!”_

“uhhh, it’s not me bro.” Stretch made a pinching motion with his fingers. “you’re about _this_ tall.”

Blue looked around at the room and frowned.

“NO??? EVERYTHING LOOKS TO BE THE RIGHT PROPORTIONS. _YOU’RE_ THE ONE WHO GREW! UNLESS...” He stroked his chin. “THIS IS REALLY A BITTY HOUSE, AND I _DID_ SHRINK?”

“a what now?”

“SILLY, I KNOW. THE LAVENDER HANGING IN THE CORNER IS MUCH TOO SMALL TO BE OUR SIZE.”

“i’m a _bitty_ confused. i know you’re not the tallest of the bunch, but really?”

The skeleton stopped inspecting the room and zeroed in on his face with an expression that Blue reserved for special occasions: for when Stretch Royally Fucked Up™. It was the height thing, wasn’t it? He couldn’t help himself!

“I KNOW IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO, BUT YOU MADE A VOW TO NEVER. USE. THAT. PUN. A G A I N.”

“uhh…”

“DID YOU FORGET?” Blue squinted at him and took a step closer, and Stretch began to see faint scars on his brother’s bones that shouldn’t have existed. “OR PERHAPS YOU NEVER MADE SUCH A PROMISE IN THE FIRST PLACE?”

Stretch was getting those first-day-at-the-house vibes again, when he and his brother were lounging about their cozy abode in one moment, and then spit out into a household with several other versions of themselves in the next. Lots of confusion, and lots of awkward moments when he calls out “Sans” and gets five different responses, each with varying levels of emotion ranging from brotherly affection to murderous intention.

“i think i know what’s going on. but just so we’re clear, what’s your name?”

He knew it was at least a “Sans”—

“BLUES.”

Stretch paused. “blue _s._ like, with an ‘s’?”

“YES.” Blues frowned. “I SUPPOSE YOUR NAME ISN’T RHYTHM?”

“yeeeah, no. don’t have any if you catch my drift.” Stretch rubbed the back of his neck. “it’s papyrus. but i go by stretch.”

Blues gave him a quick once over before smiling wide and offering his hand.

“IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU, STRETCH! WAKING UP IN BED TOGETHER IS NOT MY IDEAL SITUATION FOR FIRST INTRODUCTIONS, BUT I SUPPOSE IT’LL HAVE TO DO. I’LL FORGIVE YOU FOR THE BITTY PUN THIS _ONE_ TIME, BUT PLEASE REFRAIN FROM MAKING ANOTHER IN THE FUTURE.”

Stretch shook his hand with his index finger. “yeah, same.”

So far so good, and the little guy seemed more gentle tempered like his brother and less of an asshole like Black, so that counted for something!

“SO, MY NEW ACQUAINTANCE! WHAT ON EARTH ARE WE DOING HERE? NO, WAIT, DON’T TELL ME. THIS IS ONE OF THOSE FEVER DREAMS, ISN’T IT? I FELL ASLEEP AND THIS IS THE RESULT OF MY THREE DAY STUDY BINGE.” He placed his hands on his hips and studied the room once more. “INDEED, THIS LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING MY MIND WOULD MAKE UP. LOOK AT ALL THE FINE DETAILS!”

Stretch wasn’t going to judge another man’s fantasy, even if he had his own opinions on the ideal location to wake up, but now was not the time (or ever, seriously _never ever_ the time, he’d rather fall into in a coma for a year) to bring up the topic to his new buddy. In fact, a better topic was whether or not the machine back at home became _sentient_ and was writing poorly made riddles, or if the universe they landed in wanted to play house. Neither of those were comforting hypotheses, and he _really_ hoped that they weren’t going to be stuck here for an indefinite period of time. _Again_.

Oh no. Did he leave his collection out? Just the one he fell asleep with? He didn’t remember, oh god, _did he though_???

“ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, STRETCH? YOU’RE LOOKING PALE...EVEN FOR A SKELETON.”

“yeah,” he let out a high-pitched wheeze, “just thinkin’ about how to get home.” And praying to any merciful gods out there to _set his room on fire_ before anyone besides him could get to it. He could deeply mourn the loss for now ~~and order new editions later~~ , Wine would be _giddy_ for a chance to remodel, Papyrus could get some cooking in, everybody’s happy _right_?

“WHAT’S THAT IN YOUR HAND?”

He blinked and turned the book over to the skeleton, who turned to the next page.

“it’s a clue to get out of here, i think.”

Blues narrowed his sockets at script and began to read.

“‘BY THE HEARTH WITH SNOW WHITE AND ROSE RED SHE SLEEPS, WHILE DEEP IN THE FOREST HER TREASURE SHE KEEPS.’”

As if on cue, the wooden door sprang open by none other than Old Man Asgore, looking like he’d been dressed as an extra from _Shakespeare in Love_.

“Good morning my children,” Asgore greeted with a warm smile. “It may be winter, but that does not mean my boys can sleep all day! Come now, there are plenty of chores to do around the house.”

Stretch looked back at Blues, who shrugged, and turned to not-Asgore again for confirmation.

“you talkin’ to us?”

The boss monster laughed and clapped a large paw over his shoulder. “Who else, Snow? And Rose, do try to keep from chatting for too long outside! You’ll freeze before the animals make friends with you!”

“ME?” Blues gawked, pointing at himself.

“Yes, _you_! Now up!” He thumped the bed, which rattled the skeletons _quite literally_ off of the mattress. “Before you know it, the sun will set and we will be back into bed by dusk!”

And with that, Asgore sauntered out of the room.

“I DON’T SUPPOSE WE HAVE ANY CHOICE?” Blues asked, filtering through the pages as he stood on the bed post. Stretch sighed. This was gonna be a loooong night.

“nah, don’t think we do.”

Stretch offered a ride to his acquaintance by resting his arm against his rib cage, and the two wandered their way into the rest of the cottage. The cozy abode shared the bedroom’s aesthetics, with a large fireplace in the center and the humble kitchenette on the far side of the room. Fifteenth-century Dadsgore sat two bowls of porridge and a cup of tea down on the table, beckoning both of them with an affectionate smile.

“Mind yourselves today, boys. I’m leaving for town on a few errands, but I’ll be back before sundown. Rose, can you start on culling the beans we purchased yesterday?”

He pointed to the ten pound burlap sack sitting by the cast iron stove. The skeleton perched on his arm gawked.

“I...ERR, I SUPPOSE SO???”

Asgore nodded, seemingly content with his answer before putting his hands on his hips and letting out a playful huff.

“Snow, you may be timid around people, but that doesn’t mean you can shy away from the broom.” He pointed towards the wooden broom in the corner, where a few cobwebs hung from the handle. “And please son, pick up your sock. I fear the moths will come to pick at it at night, and I’ll have to barter with that grouchy spinster for another.”

Said accessory laid ominously at the foot of the rocking chair, mocking Stretch with all of its cottony existence.

“sure dad.” _Suuuure gonna leave that sock there._

“Good.” Asgore nodded. “Well then, I’ll be back by sunset. I fear a blizzard may be coming in, so remember to restock the woodpile before I return.”

The goat monster strode around the table and grabbed Stretch into a bear hug, effectively trapping Blues in between them.

“MPPHFF!”

Stretch could feel the poor guy flailing about and failing miserably to free himself.

“Be good,” Asgore cautioned once more. He released them a second afterwards and grabbed a knapsack by the door, and with one more glance back and a wave, the monster was off into the unknown.

And then it was just the two of them.

“IF I COULD CHOOSE HOW TO DIE IN A DREAM,” Blues started after a beat of silence, “IT WOULD NOT BE FROM SUFFOCATING IN GOAT FUR.”

**{@}- >->->—** Noon **— <-<-<-{@}**

“SO YOU SAY A MACHINE DID THIS? I AM NOT IN A FEVER DREAM, BUT THIS MACHINE PULLED ME INTO AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE A LARGE GOAT MAN IS MY DAD?”

Stretch looked over from his meager dirt pile to watch Blues resurface from the ten pound sack of dried beans. Much like his own big bro, Blues seemed to put every ounce of spirit he had into a task. He didn’t seem to care whether it was downing the goopy breakfast porridge (way too plain for his tastes until he found the jar of honey and dumped half the contents into it. Sorry- _not sorry-_ Asgore) or diving head first into a swimming pool’s equivalent of beans. The guy just did it. Kinda cool...and kinda funny to watch.

There was a joke on the tip of his non-existent tongue about a bean trying to separate other beans, but he’d save that one for another day.

“s’ what i’m bettin’ on, yeah.”

“AND YOUR ‘COUSINS’, WHO ARE REALLY DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF OURSELVES FROM THESE OTHER UNIVERSES, ARE TRYING TO FIX IT?”

“yep.”

Blues dumped the pebbles he collected into a wooden bowl before looking back at Stretch, huffing.

“WOWIE. SOMEONE MESSED UP.”

“yeah,” Stretch drawled. “i’d say so.”

“I AM NOT TOTALLY CONVINCED THAT THIS _ISN’T_ A FEVER DREAM, BUT IF BY CHANCE IT IS, I HOPE WE CAN GO HOME SOON.”

““yeah, me too.” because his leftover dignity depended on it, “we just gotta play by the rules and the hope the universe will follow.”

“IS THIS A COMMON OCCURRENCE FOR YOU? UNIVERSE HOPPING?”

“don’t want it to be,” he snorted, “‘s hard enough living in a ‘normal’ universe. i don’t wanna find out what else lies out there in the great big cosmos of universal _stuff_.”

A world of Temmie was somewhere out there in that void, “HOI”ing it up, plotting disastrous business-defying timelines. Somewhere there was a world of _Jerrys_. Stretch shuddered.

“what about you? i gotta say you’re taking this pretty well for meeting another version of your bro.”

“THAT’S NOTHING! WE’VE MET SO MANY VERSIONS OF OUR SUBSPECIES THAT IT BECOMES SECOND NATURE! IN FACT, WE’RE MORE SURPRISED WHEN WE _DON’T_ MEET A SKELETON!”

Stretch eyed him from the half assed dirt pile he collected. “did you say ‘subspecies’?”

“YOU— _RHYTHM_ ' _'S_ TYPE IS CALLED A ‘LIL BRO’, AND I’M CONSIDERED A ‘BLUEBERRY’ OR A ‘BABY-BLUE’. PERSONALLY I FIND THE TERMS A LITTLE INSULTING, BUT THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOUR WHOLE SPECIES IS CONSIDERED PETS BY THE LAW.”

Blues shrugged, smiling, before diving into the bean bag once more.

“ _pets?_ ” Stretch echoed, “buddy, pal, are you okay livin’ over there? do we need to find an interdimensional task force and some monster rights lawyers? i’m sure we can find ‘em if we need to.”

“OH, NOT AT ALL! WE ARE IN A MUCH BETTER SITUATION NOW, THOUGH IT _IS_ CAUSING A HINDRANCE TO GETTING MY GED! “ Blues’ muffled voice replied, “BUT IF I INSIST ON BEING A REGULAR MONSTER THEN THERE’S NOTHING THEY CAN DO ABOUT IT!”

Blues resurfaced, this time holding a wriggling caterpillar in his arms. “DO BITTIES NOT HAVE THAT PROBLEM IN YOUR WORLD?”

“we’re all just monsters over on our side, no bitties around. if i know our ambassador, they’d go on a rampage if they knew monsters were being treated that way, so…”

“YOU KNOW THE AMBASSADOR?”

“yeah, kid’s a little intense but they got a good heart.” Stretch narrowed his eyes at the dirt pile. “...so far.”

“I’VE SEEN THEM ON THE NEWS, AND THAT’S ALL I KNOW ABOUT OURS. HOW DID YOU MEET?”

Stretch started out giving him a brief rundown of the Underground which turned into a lengthy conversation about time differences, as Blues explained that monsters had been free for at least a generation in his world. And _that_ turned into a conversation about how only some monsters could be considered full fledged citizens (“IT IS A CONFUSING SITUATION. EVEN I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT,” Blues admitted). The day seemed to pass at an unusually fast rate, and by the time he finished sweeping the floor, the sun had already begun to set.

“SHALL WE GO OUTSIDE FOR THE FIREWOOD? THE HEARTH LOOKS ABOUT DEAD.”

Stretch looked down at the pile of ashes and scratched his head. Wasn’t this thing blazing a minute ago?

“guess so. want a lift?”

“I WOULD APPRECIATE IT!”

Blues shortcut to his shoulder and they opened the cottage door to the outside. The thick blanket of snow crunched underneath his boots (when did he put on boots?), and the wind battered against his wool overcoat (where did this come from? he’d _remember_ putting on a coat) as he inspected the front of the cabin. A forest surrounded them; the dense underbrush and towering pines reminded him a lot of Snowdin, especially with the way the boughs creaked from the weight of the snow. Asgore’s steps from this morning trailed to the east.

“you see a stockpile anywhere?”

Blues was quiet for a minute before responding. “HMMM. TRY THE BACK?”

So he trudged around to the small clearing in the back, where a neat pile of split logs sat beside a wooden stump.

“good call,” Stretch said as he approached the pile.

Blues jumped onto the nearest log, his whole body sinking into the snow until he shoved the rest of it off the edge.

_how come he gets a cool cloak and i don’t? and where are these clothes coming from?_

“THIS PLACE LOOKS FAMILIAR TO ME, BUT I CAN’T RECALL _WHERE_...” the bitty muttered as he eyed the back of the cottage.

“some place you've been to in the past?”

Blues shook his head, “CERTAINLY NOT IN PERSON, BUT I’VE SEEN IT!”

“let’s go back inside br— blues. i dunno if fairy tale wolves are a thing here, but from what i know they’re always hungry and we probably look like a good snack.”

“AGREED.”

Blues shoved some of the logs into his arms before taking some of the twigs abandoned on the side, and he blipped back to Stretch’s shoulder. Together they took a shortcut back inside, where Stretch dumped the firewood next to the hearth.

“done.”

No sooner had he uttered the word that Asgore came through the front door.

“I have returned, my boys! I trust everything has gone well?”

_talk about a time distortion_. They still had sunlight when they were outside, but the darkened windows and murky woods behind Asgore said otherwise. A warmth flared up behind them, and Stretch turned to see that the fireplace had roared to life with crackling logs and floating embers. He looked down at himself and saw that he was back to wearing his badass billowy shirt and pants.

“is this normal for you?” He asked Asgore, who blatantly ignored him in favor of the kitchen.

“I’ve arrived not a moment too soon. The clouds are growing thicker as we speak.” he commented. “Rose, how is the stew doing?”

“WHAT STEW?”

The stew that popped up over the fire when they weren’t looking, apparently. Blues shifted around on his shoulder and whispered when Asgore turned around.

“THE CONVENIENCE OF THIS UNIVERSE IS MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE.”

Stretch had to agree. Sudden, drastic change had more _violent_ connotations in his head, like someone killing a kid and having the day restart, or the kid coming to kill _him_ and having the day restart.

He eyed the stew with suspicion until Asgore knelt by the fireplace, prepared to dish out supper with three wooden bowls and a ladle in hand.

**{@}- >->->—** Night **— <-<-<-{@}**

After suffering through another awkward meal time (including a conversation about how they were born— from making a wish on his rose bushes, according to Asgore), the two of them were excused to do whatever leisurely activities they could find in the cottage. Blues settled for sitting near the fireplace and practicing equations on the brick with a piece of charcoal, while Stretch rested his head on a beaten cushion nearby to think.

It wasn’t long after he had accidentally fallen asleep that a hard _THUMP THUMP THUMP_ came from the door.

Stretch jerked up and glanced over to Blues, who had leapt to his feet and looked like he was ready to give someone a _bad time_.

“don’t get many visitors?” he asked as the bitty covered his glowing socket.

“NOT MANY WHO CAN KNOCK THAT HARD, NO.”

He noted this as the first stark contrast from his bro, who would have already rushed to the door to praise their visitor for their enthusiasm.

“Snow, can you answer the door? It may be a traveler seeking shelter from the storm!” Asgore’s muffled voice called from the other room.

Guess he didn’t have a choice in the matter. Stretch picked himself up with a groan and ambled to the door.

_knock knock_

“who’s there?” he asked.

“I am but a cold and miserable creature. Please, kind stranger, may I come inside?”

Their voice sounded like gentle bells ringing on the breeze of a spring day. Something about their ethereal tone struck him as oddly familiar, and it made him feel giddy. Like he’d like to throw up now, giddy.

“‘cold and miserable creature’ who?”

Silence from the other side.

Stretch shrugged. _can’t win ‘em all._

He opened the door to reveal a body that did not match the voice, but certainly the power of the knocking from before: a giant black bear. The creature stood a solid foot and a half taller than him, snow caked into their fur, and studied him with large dark eyes.

“hey, how’s it goin’?” he greeted.

“Please do not be afraid of my appearance! I am half-frozen and only wish to warm myself near the fire!”

“you’re not _beary_ scary to me. d’you have relatives in snowdin?” Stretch replied as he swung the door open wider.

The bear stared at him.

He sighed. “didn’t think so. here, com’on in.”

As he moved out of the way, Asgore appeared from the bedroom dressed in a flannel nightgown, complete with a cap. The dadster took one good look at their visitor and gasped.

“You poor creature!” He exclaimed, “Here, come warm yourself by the fire!”

The bear complied as Asgore led her to the hearth, and Blues stepped away from his work in time to avoid being crushed under the animal’s weight.

“Snow, Rose, go beat the snow out of our guest’s coat, please!”

“YOU REALIZE THAT I AM THE SIZE OF THIS BEAR’S TEETH, RIGHT?”

“Please” the bear pleaded with a voice that sounded like a chorus of angels, “Or I will be frozen by the morning.”

Stretch shoved his hands in his pockets with a disgruntled sigh only to hit the edge of the small riddle book.

_By the hearth with Snow White and Rose Red she sleeps…_

“Blues,” he said, flickering his gaze to the equally perturbed skeleton on the floor, “ i think this has something to do with the clue.”

Blues flashed his eyelights to him as he slipped the book out of his pocket.

“SO WE MUST PLAY ALONG?”

“ _snow_ doubt about it.”

A frustrated groan. “TRULY YOU ARE MY BROTHER FROM ANOTHER UNIVERSE. YOU ALL SHARE THE SAME TERRIBLE TASTE IN JOKES.”

Stretch shrugged, grinning, as he and Blues approached the bear to prepare themselves for an encounter with snow.

“y’know, it’s easier to do this if the snow isn’t partially melted,” he told the bear as he started swiping the larger chunks of ice from her back. “get all the bigger stuff off first when you’re outside, then take care of the smaller stuff inside. less clean up, too.”

"DO BEARS NOT HIBERNATE DURING THE WINTER? I THOUGHT THEY DID."

The bear chose not to reply, but instead shifted their weight towards the fire.

Blues gave a small huff as he climbed on top of the bear and started to swat the flakes away as best he could. They worked in relative silence until Blues suddenly smacked his hands against the bear's hide.

"Please go easy on me," she pleaded, "spare me an inch of my life!"

Blues pointedly ignored her in favor of staring Stretch down with a spark of recognition in his eyes.

"I KNEW IT! I _HAVE_ SEEN THIS COTTAGE!"

"oh yeah?"

"EPISODE 60 OF _MEMORIA,_ THE BACKSTORY OF THE TWIN QUEENS. I REMEMBER BECAUSE THE DIRECTOR SCOUTED ONE OF THE STABLE HANDS FROM _WARS OF KINGDOMS_ TO PLAY THE BEAR PRINCE!”

Stretch’s voice caught as his brain registered two things. One, that Blues was onto a clue that was more tangible than “beat the snow off a bear”, and two, because if that second title had _anything_ to do with the mini series he had started collecting that was similarly named, then his small pal here was about to become ten times cooler.

He asked about the important matter first.

“ _Wars of Kingdoms_ has a show?”

“OH YES! I’VE BEEN HOOKED SINCE THE MOMENT I SAW THE KNIGHT FIGHT OFF A PACK OF BANDITS TO KEEP HIS MAIDEN SAFE! THEY HAVE EXCELLENT BATTLE SCENES AND THE ROMANCE IS PLAYED QUITE TASTEFULLY IF I SAY SO MYSELF!”

Stretch was _wheezing_.

“OH, BUT I SUPPOSE MOST PEOPLE DO NOT SHARE THE SAME PASSION I HAVE FOR DRAMAS. ABOUT THAT EPISODE IN _MEM_ —”

“do they show the budding romance between the scullery maid and the prince at the castle grounds?!”

Blues paused to look at him, a little more than surprised. “DO YOU MEAN THE ONE IN RAVEN’S PEAK? WHERE THE MAID RUNS INTO THE DISGUISED PRINCE BY ACCIDENT?”

“ _yes,”_ he replied, grabbing a fistful of the bear’s fur, leaning closer. “and he says— “

“ _‘If I had not seen you, I would have thought your touch to be the breeze?’”_ They repeated together. Stretch broke out into a wide grin, nearly vibrating with excitement.

“ **yes**! how cool was that line?! _so awesome_ , and she comes back saying— “

“IF MY LORD WOULD FEED ME WHAT IS JUSTLY DUE, PERHAPS YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT ME A BIRD INSTEAD!”

“‘and who is this lord who denies you so?’” Stretch quoted back. “‘prithee tell me the name of such a fool!’”

“AND HE PULLS BACK HIS HOOD— “

“—and she gasps out in shock— “

“— _My lord!_ ” They shouted together, laughing.

“that was the best scene in the whole book,” Stretch stated, “volume four hasn’t been released yet, but i have it pre-ordered online.”

“IT IS A BOOK SERIES IN YOUR WORLD?” Blues exclaimed with stars in his sockets, “IT SOUNDS LIKE I AM IN A POSITION TO GIVE YOU SPOILERS! WE ARE IN SEASON SEVEN, AND THE SCULLERY MAID AND PRINCE MET IN SEASON 3! PERHAPS THE SERIES IS SYNCED TO A BOOK-PER-SEASON RATIO?”

“we might be! oh man, this means you’ve seen the confrontation with the dark knight! how is it— no, wait! don’t tell me!”

“WORRY NOT MY FRIEND! MY NON-LIPS ARE SEALED!”

“okay, so if you have _Wars of Kingdoms_ , then you gotta have _Tales of Longing,_ right? please say you do. you gotta!”

“IT IS POSSIBLE...BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO REFRESH MY MEMORY. WHAT IS _TALES OF LONGING_ ABOUT _?_ ”

He just said the magic words, “oh buddy, let me tell you about the greatest romance series of all time.”

“Children,” Asgore interrupted, “Don’t you think it’s getting late for stories?”

“okay pops, but just real quick.”

**{@}- >->->—** Morning **— <-<-<-{@}**

It was not “real quick”.

Like a dam that had been obliterated by a well-placed bomb of kinship, Stretch imparted all of his knowledge onto Blues in a deluge of information. No small detail was spared. Blues, who had admitted that the story was new to him, soaked up the story like a sponge, adding in gasps of excitement or small quips during the two hour crash course of _Tales of Longing_. From there the conversation steered towards other dramas and the assorted fandoms as a whole, and once they thoroughly exhausted themselves with the topic, the first rays of the morning sun began to light the room.

“i don’t get a chance to talk about it much,” Stretch admitted as he rubbed the back of his skull, “the other guys wouldn’t understand.”

“LIKEWISE. MY HOUSEMATES HUMOR ME AT BEST. OF THE THREE OF US MY MAIDEN IS MORE LIKELY TO LISTEN, BUT EVEN SHE DOES NOT FOLLOW THE SAME SERIES AS I.”

Blues settled into the bear’s fur, who had long since fallen asleep.

“no way, you have a maiden?”

“MY, err…” Blues paused and looked downwards in concentration, a light blue dusting his cheekbones, smiling, “‘OWNER’, I SUPPOSE. TRUTHFULLY WE ARE MORE EQUAL THAN WHAT THE TERM SUGGESTS, BUT ‘MAIDEN’ IS MY NICKNAME FOR HER.”

“ahh, gotcha.”

“WHAT ABOUT YOU? DO YOU HAVE ANY ‘MAIDENS’ IN YOUR LIFE?”

Stretch hugged the cushion on the floor. “eheheh, nah. i got a specific type, and i never met anyone who could compare.”

“HOW SPECIFIC COULD YOU BE?”

“ _real_ specific. maybe one-of-a-kind.”

Blues fell quiet for a moment as Stretch readjusted his position on the floor.

“IT’S CASSANDRA, ISN’T IT?”

he pushed himself up halfway to see Blues’ peering down at him, smiling.

“n-nononono! Cassandra? why would you think that? ha ha, Cassandra ain’t even _real_!”

“YOU REFERRED TO CAPTAIN BAYNE AS CAPTAIN ‘BONES’ SEVERAL TIMES.”

“did i??? it’s an easy slip up, anybody would do it!”

“UNLESS YOU WERE MAKING A TERRIBLE PUN— WHICH! FROM THE SINCERITY OF YOUR VOICE AT THE TIME, WAS _NOT_ THE PUN TONE— THEN NO, IT IS _NOT_ AN ‘EASY SLIP UP’.”

“BUT WORRY NOT, FRIEND!” Blues added, still grinning, “THERE IS NO SHAME IN LOVING A PERSON, EVEN IF THEY ARE 2D! I WILL SUPPORT YOU EVERY STEP OF THE WAY!”

Stretch’s voice rose an octave higher as Blues continued to grin at him. “you won’t tell anybody?”

“YOUR SECRET IS SAFE WITH ME! I DON’T HAVE ANYONE TO TELL IN THE FIRST PLACE!”

He didn’t know if it was the lack of sleep or that Blues reminded him so much of his own brother, but Stretch felt at ease with his declaration.

“i just, i dunno, she’s _perfect_ in my eyes. and i think her voice would sound like music, and she’s sweet and caring and delicate, and that gorgeous hair— did i tell you about her hair?”

“YES. MULTIPLE TIMES.”

“i wanna touch it so bad.”

“YOU SAID THAT, TOO.”

Stretch hugged the cushion close and propped his skull on it. “i don’t get how you can talk to your lady friend so easy. how do you not get nervous?”

“I WASN’T ALWAYS, BUT OUR SITUATION IS ALSO VERY DIFFERENT FROM THE NORM. IT WOULD BE POOR OF ME TO MAKE AN EXAMPLE OF IT.”

Stretch slumped down.

“BUT!” Blues continued, “I WILL ASK YOU THIS! IS THE FEAR OF REJECTION WORSE THAN THE FEAR OF NEVER FINDING YOUR TRUE LOVE?”

He blinked. “kinda hard to get rejected if i can’t even talk to ‘em.”

“BUT IT IS SOMETHING YOU CAN WORK TOWARDS! EVEN IF YOU MAKE A SMALL STEP FORWARD, IT IS STILL A STEP THAT YOU HADN’T TAKEN BEFORE! “

“towards rejection?”

“TOWARDS SUCCESS.” Blues huffed as he sat up. “IN FACT, I CAN HELP YOU PRACTICE WHILE WE’RE HERE TOGETHER! WE ARE BOUND TO RUN INTO MAIDENS AT _SOME_ POINT, YES?”

He made a solid point; if this was a fairy tale based world, then their chances were pretty high, and...oh he was sweating already. Pretty maidens? In _real time_? And the legit deal too, no actors or phonies around.

_this could classify as the best and worst nightmare ever. Schrodinger's nightmare._

Blues must have seen his internal panic, because soon he was on Stretch’s shoulder, patting him reassuringly.

“LOOK AT IT THIS WAY. IF THIS IS A FEVER DREAM, NOTHING YOU DO HERE WILL HAVE ANY BEARING ON YOUR REAL LIFE! THIS WILL BE THE BEST KIND OF FIRST-HAND EXPERIENCE!”

He did have a point, even if this wasn’t really a dream at all. They’d never be back here again, so he could flub up as many times as he did in his regular life. Which was all the time.

“you really think i can do it?”

“OF COURSE! I BELIEVE IN YOU!”

_so cool._

Before anything else could be said, the bear startled with a grunt, and Asgore came out of the bedroom, yawning.

“Good morning, my boys!”

“GOOD MORNING, GOAT FATHER!” Blues shouted.

Stretch suddenly felt a furry mass press against his side, and he jerked back to realize that the bear had just _nuzzled_ him.

“I must go,” her unusually dainty but clear voice rang out, “For spring has come, and the dwarves will soon be up to their trickery. I will not forget your kindness.”

“WE DIDN’T GIVE YOU MUCH. A POOR DISPLAY OF HOSPITALITY, HONESTLY.”

“Goodbye Snow White, Rose Red,” she said anyways. Asgore pushed open the door for her, and Stretch gaped at the land, now a lush green, with wild flowers and trees standing in full bloom.

She disappeared into the forest without another word.

**{@}- >->->—** Afternoon **— <-<-<-{@}**

Asgore had sent them into the woods for a few chores.

“you think we’ll run into a dwarf?” Stretch asked as he ducked under another tree branch. Blues had settled into their newly acquired basket as they wandered through the forest. Not a trace of snow was left, and the firs and oaks took on their leaves as if it had been spring for the last month.

“IF THE MEMORIA WRITERS DID THEIR RESEARCH AND MADE A FAITHFUL RETELLING OF THE TALE, THEN YES.”

Fair enough. “dunno what it’s like in the tv series, but in the books our characters are kids right now. guess people didn’t care much for child safety back then.”

Long walks in the forest wasn’t really his thing, unless it was on straight, clear paths with a branch or two; Otherwise there was too much twisting and ducking and stepping around involved. That’s why they were taking the path of least resistance.

“HALT, STRETCH!”

He paused, looking down at his pal. “what’s up?”

Blues held his finger up in a shushing motion. The sounds of the forest filled the surrounding area, a stream babbling in the distance and some bird calls, but as he filtered out the sounds, he could hear something else. Indistinguishable— but definitely grumpy— words.

“THAT MUST BE OUR DWARF,” Blues loudly whispered.

Stretch stayed quiet for a few more seconds to determine which direction the noises came from, and eventually he deduced that it was somewhere closer to the water. He took a few steps forward at a time, readjusting their path whenever the complaining became faint.

“IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY, THE DWARF IS NOT A PLEASANT ONE,” Blues pseudo-whispered as they traveled, “BUT NO MATTER WHAT, WE STILL HAVE TO HELP THEM.”

Stretch nodded. He took a few more paces north and eventually stumbled upon a rather large fallen tree close to the stream. The complaining became clear as day, and Stretch was able to decipher several colorful curses as well as an imaginative narration of what the dwarf would do to the wood once it got free. He followed along the log until they found the culprit stuck between a large rock and a thick branch.

Upon first glance the dwarf looked like Red, but Blues’ size. He was dressed in a simple brown tunic, complete with a long cap on his head, and he was pulling at the trapped chain that was connected to his neck collar.

“whadd’re you bozos lookin’ at?!” he snapped at them. His bones were scratched and dirtied, and his features looked much older than what Stretch was used to seeing. Something about him didn’t _click_ with the Red that Stretch knew.

“NEVERMIND, STRETCH. WE CAN GO FIND ANOTHER DWARF.”

He shot a surprised look at his suddenly icy companion, who took to staring at the dwarf like he stepped in Mutt’s dirty underwear pile.

“didn’t you just say…?”

“I MADE A MISTAKE. IT HAPPENS TO THE BEST OF US.”

“don’ just stand there like idiots! help me dammit!” The not-Red screeched at them.

“I CAN _H E L P_ YOU ALL RIGHT,” Blues threatened.

“how about i just, you know?” Stretch pushed the rock with his foot and the chain dislodged as the skeleton shot out from the crevice. He tumbled over a couple of times from the force.

Stretch looked over him. “you good?”

“yer a bunch of fuckin’ _dumbasses,_ ain’t yas!” he screamed, jumping to his feet. _“_ couldn’t ya see i was pullin’? _stars._ ”

Asshole-Red started digging where the rock had laid and soon pulled out a handful of golden coins. “don’cha fuckin follow me, ya worthless lil’ shits. this is all mine, ya’s got it?!”

“yeesh,” was all Stretch managed to say. They watched him back up towards the running water.

“ya’s good-fer-nothin’s! go back cryin’ to ya’s daddy!” he hollered.

They stood by the log and watched as the “dwarf” seemed to be content with that last insult, and with a smirk, the bitty turned around towards the stream.

And then a trout leapt up and ate him.

“THAT POOR FISH.”

Stretch sighed as he reached with his free hand to pull the trout out by its soul, the small heart of it shining blue, as he laid it to the shore. The trout spasmed and flopped against the pebbles as the bitty came crawling out, spluttering.

“ _look what ya’s made me did!”_ he roared, “i wouldn’t have been eaten just now if it wasn’t for ya’s distracting me! Good-fer-nothing brats!”

“you’re welcome,” Stretch deadpanned.

It seemed the dwarf had better things on his mind, as he picked up the abandoned coins and somehow found a set of pearls in the grass nearby. He tripped over the necklace as he disappeared into the brush, leaving them to themselves. The trout became still, and Blues sighed.

“AT LEAST WE HAVE LUNCH.”

**{@}- >->->—** Late Afternoon **— <-<-<-{@}**

They had expected to see the dwarf for a third time, but after cooking up the trout using Blues’ limited culinary expertise and Stretch’s blasters, they had taken a trip to town and back without another encounter.

“NOT A MAIDEN IN SIGHT. THIS IS TRULY DISAPPOINTING,” Blues muttered as Stretch trudged along the path. “PLENTY OF CHILDREN AND PARENTS AND OLDER FOLK, BUT NOT ONE ELIGIBLE DAMSEL.”

“ ‘s okay. i woulda messed it up anyway.”

“YOU ONLY SAY THAT BECAUSE YOU LACK EXPERIENCE! YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO OFFER, MY FRIEND!”

“do i though? i’m not cool like you or my bro or a lot of my other ‘cousins’. don’t got a lot going for me.”

“BUT YOU DO!” Blues argued. Stretch looked down into the basket where his friend gazed back with a confident smile. “YOU HAVE A KEEN ATTENTION TO DETAIL AND A GREAT AMOUNT OF PASSION FOR WHAT YOU LOVE! YOU ARE A HANDSOME, INTELLIGENT SKELETON, AND NO ONE BUT YOURSELF CAN STOP YOU FROM ACHIEVING YOUR DREAMS!”

Stretch found himself blushing from the flattery. “aww geeze, really?”

As they reached near the cabin, the familiar sounds of grunting bounced off the trees. This time Stretch got to watch as Blues’ smile dropped off of his face like a sack of bricks and was replaced with a murderous, scathing glare that promised impending doom. It was rather chilling to watch; maybe because he had seen a similar look on his own brother when Stretch accidentally crushed his limited edition action figure box of DJ Blooky by sitting on it.

“you really don’t like him, do you?”

“WE HAVE A HISTORY.”

“i can tell.”

And there they found him, in the clearing, sorting out a small treasure trove of jewelry, gold, and other precious stones in the grass. He was muttering to himself too low for them to hear, but he stopped as soon as Stretch stepped on a twig.

“ _ya’s fuckin’ brats! whaddya want now?!”_

**“YOUR DUST ON MY HANDS WOULD BE A GREAT START.”**

Blues’ threat fell flat as the skeleton only scoffed. “don’t think ya’s entitled to my treasure! stupid lil ugly twerps, can’t even help an old man out, i oughta— “

A growl ripped through the forest before he could finish that sentence, and out came the bear from behind him, towering above. The dwarf whirled around in that moment and began to quake in terror.

“aaah-i didn’t see ya there!” he began to chuckle nervously. “this ain’t what it looks like, i swear!”

“What is it, then?” she growled. Stretch still found her voice pleasantly light despite the obvious warning. He chalked it up to fairy tale shenanigans. This place was weird.

“the- the brats here was tryin’ to steal ya’s treasure! i was only tryin’ to keep it safe! honest!”

Blues scoffed as if this was something he had heard plenty of times before, while Stretch looked between the bear and the dwarf, only mildly concerned.

“see?! they don’t deny it!” the dwarf sneered. “ya know what a good punishment is? _eat ‘em_. they’re wastin’ up all the good air and they ain’t worth the space! well? what’re ya waitin’ for? go ahead! kill ‘em— “

The bear decided enough was enough, and in the moment that the dwarf had turned his back, she opened her jaws wide and swallowed him whole.

A beat of silence passed as they stared at the bear and the bear stared at them.

“THANK YOU, MISS BEAR. I SHOULD HAVE TREATED YOU MORE KINDLY.” Blues said.

The bear lurched over suddenly, groaning.

“yeah, i’d feel that way too after eating something like that,” Stretch said, coming closer.

The bear curled into herself and suddenly ripples of magic flashed from her coat, blinding the pair. Her hide began to twist and bubble from underneath, and the energy made the air around them heat up. The last pulse of magic was the strongest, and Stretch could feel the intensity of it wash over them as he shielded his sockets from the blast.

The air stilled, and when he thought it was safe, he opened his sockets to see what had happened.

He stopped breathing.

Her back was turned towards them, but he knew that silhouette from his dreams. He _memorized_ it. Dainty sleeves and a full skirt, and those _gorgeous_ , brilliant fiery locks of hair tumbling down her back, and her small frame stood like a beacon against the darkness of the woods.

“... _Cassandra?”_ Stretch whispered.

Blues leaned out from the basket. “THIS IS HER?”

He made a strangled noise.

_oh stars she’s real and she’s here and she’s really here! right in front of me! and i ate fish today!_

He hadn’t realized he was wheezing until Blues moved to his shoulder and slapped his cheekbone.

“GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, MAN!” he cried.

Stretch took a deep breath in and held it.

“...whatdoido????”

“ _DO NOT_ SQUANDER THIS CHANCE!” his friend urged. “IF YOU DO NOT ACT, YOU WILL REGRET THIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! BE STRONG, MY FRIEND! TAKE THIS STEP!”

His soul was going _batshit nuts_ like his brother on a sugar high or Wine when he finds a pair of heels taller than Edge’s ego. He swallowed a gulp of air.

He had to do it. He _had_ to. Cassandra didn’t exist in his universe and she was standing right there and oh stars he _had_ to try!!!

Stretch took a step forward.

“Cassandra?” he rasped. He was doing it. This was happening. His dream girl, his true love—

She began to turn—!

“MY DEARESTS.”

Stretch dropped the basket in shock. His soul froze. His mind, blank.

Black stared back, the red wig sitting on top of his head like a crown for bastards, his sockets adorned with fake eyelashes as he looked imploringly at them.

“THE DWARF THAT CAST THE CURSE ON ME IS NO MORE. MY KINGDOM’S TREASURE IS SAFE, AND I AM RETURNED TO MY ORIGINAL BEAUTY ONCE AGAIN. YOU HAVE MY ETERNAL LOVE AND ADORATION.”

Stretch’s heart, shattered into dust.

“i hate everything.” he managed to say. Blues patted him on the shoulder again.

“THIS IS NOT CASSANDRA, I ASSUME?”

**“ _no_.”**

“THAT IS...UNFORTUNATE.”

Black procured a small glass bulb from his sleeve and offered it to them. Stretch was tempted to smack it out of his hands from pure spite, but Blues had managed to swipe it before the damage was done.

“AS FURTHER GRATITUDE, I WISH TO OFFER MY HAND IN MAR— “

“— _n o t_ happening—“

“— RIAGE, AS WELL AS MY SISTER’S. I AM AFRAID YOU WILL HAVE TO AID HER, THOUGH. SHE’S RATHER PRONE TO WOLVES.”

“WHAT AN ODD THING TO SAY.” Blues added.

“IT IS THE RED RIDING HOOD SHE WEARS THAT ATTRACTS THEM, I THINK.”

It was Blues’ turn to grow pale. He gripped the bulb tighter.

“PLEASE DON’T TELL ME…”

“what?”

A wooden door materialized beside them and swung open. Inside the frame stood the image of an urban setting not unlike the city where Stretch lived. Something rattled in his pockets and he pulled it out, finding the small book in his palm again.

####  **IN GOLDEN WHEAT FIELDS DOES GRANDMOTHER TREAD**  
**AND LEAVES POOR RIDING HOOD ILL IN BED**

#####  ***METAL AND NOTHING REMAIN.**


End file.
